J O R D AN
Not for my endurance, strength, or the zombie apocalypse. But to be prepped for fit sex with that man. I am so sorry if this is TMI, but I had to get it off of my heart. Also, I'm lazy, I’m sorely inconsistent when it comes to my workout routines, and have a fear of gyms. So, I did a bunch of workout apps in the name of The Thicc, and these are the ones that I think are worth it:
Sworkit The Sworkit Abs & Core app actually kicked my ass. Let's not judge the name because I literally sweat myself out of my shirt. It does get a little repetitive at times, and that’s to be expected, but I definitely felt pushed enough. Note: I haven’t used it since the test run. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
7-Minute Workout Because a bitch ain't got time.
NTC Listen, I'm a very gullible kind of bitch. I'm easy. If Nike tells me that Serena works out in her living room, well a bitch is working out in her living room. With workouts that go from 15 to 30 minutes, it's 'easy' enough. It gives you a nudge when you've been avoiding working out. There's also a “Train Like Michael B. Jordan” workout that I haven't personally done but it's nice to think about. Think about it: him in a dark gym. His muscles glisten and pulsate as he breathes heavily after finishing his final rep of pull-burpee- climbers and he wipes the sweat from his—let me get a room . . .
J A N E
I had a few-year period where I'd buy the DVD of any obnoxiously celebrity-endorsed trainer and even put their $95 snakeskin print
cotton leggings in a shopping cart along with it . . . luckily never pulled the trigger on those. As for the Tracy Anderson Method, one JLo endorsement was all it took for me to get into a series of ridiculous dance cardio in my living room followed by THE ARMS (Google “TAM arms”—it's fucking weird, maybe effective, tho?) and endless all-fours leg kicks. I watched Tracy's blonde, tan, tiny, muscly body bounce around on my laptop and prayed it would give me Gwyneth Paltrow's credit score.
When you buy into a fad, you're buying into the lifestyle you think you're going to have from making this small change. Clearly, enough TAM and I'd be wiping sweat from my tanned forehead after one of her private classes in the Hamptons. After enough Skinny Bitch Bootcamp (a circuit training nightmare where they say things like & "Speed it up, Sister Sledge"), I'd be waking up not ravenously craving gluten or sugar and start ordering all my drinks with a splash of seltzer and lots of lemons. Tae Bo promised to make me strong. Fun fact: my parents got me a Tae Bo punching bag to teach me to fight back against bullies at school. Turns out I got better with words than hands. These days I don't work out as much as I should but when I do, I do it to physically feel better, whatever that may mean. A yoga video on YouTube that makes me feel accomplished and refreshed, a reluctant hour at the gym on the elliptical to challenge myself once in a while. It may not be a perfect routine or get me closer to that Hamptons class, but it feels like it's for me only.
Victoria's Secret VSX Leggings
These are the shit. Don't worry, they don't say 'pink' on the butt; I'm'talking about the for-real Victoria's Secret activewear line. I wear mine to brunch if I'm hungover, but if I got serious about the gym, I might wear them there too! They've got a nice hold in the lower tum band—very key.
Nike VaporMax Air Flyknit Huarache Ones
By this I mean whatever new technology Nike has come up with when I start working out again—probably in a nude-y, peachy pink or something.
Sports Bra from PrettyLittleThing
They've got some fine activewear; don't sleep on ’em. I like to wear the low-cut lil mesh-y numbers while I clean the house or lounge around not doing anything active, but they actually have good support, so maybe I'd wear it to the gym (underneath something big and boxy, cuz men).